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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458158">stop confusing my name, dad!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuiLian/pseuds/HuiLian'>HuiLian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Fluff, Gen, Is that right?, Some Swearing, YeetDC2020, calling your children by the wrong name is normal Bruce don't worry, worry about your children absolutely pulverizing you because you called them by the wrong name</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:28:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458158</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuiLian/pseuds/HuiLian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce has too many children, or, 5 times Bruce calls his children by the wrong name.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bruce Wayne &amp; His Children</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>437</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>stop confusing my name, dad!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is inspired by <a href="https://in-fearful-day-in-raging-night.tumblr.com/post/190916076011/bruce-doing-the-typical-parent-move-of-calling-out"> this post </a>. Please check them out! They post quality batfam things! <br/>The first four have dialogue stolen (with permission) directly from the post, and the last one is mine. I wanted to add one time Bruce got called the wrong name, but couldn't figure out how to do it properly, so... sorry?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s a quiet morning at the Manor. Too quiet, with two of his children currently on attendance. Admittedly they’re all here because they crashed after a truly exhausting patrol, but Bruce has trained his children well. They are never too tired to wreck havoc inside his home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce walks towards the kitchen silently. If his children are quiet, he can be quiet too. He has to catch them before they catch him, or the consequences (for him) will be even worse. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one in the kitchen. At least, no one Bruce, with his extensive training, can detect. He walks in gingerly, still scanning the room for hostiles, namely, his children. If they are not in the kitchen, then they are somewhere else. He has to stay vigilant.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yesterday night was truly an exhausting patrol. Why are his children like this? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A crash. Somewhere on the second floor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce runs towards it. He knows, logically, that it is most likely his children doing what passes as fun between them, but he can’t shake the nagging feeling inside him. What if it’s not his children? What if someone has come to hurt them? Bruce runs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stops dead in his tracks, however, when he sees Damian. Who is standing in front of Tim’s door, frantically trying to break it down, while dripping wet. Bruce distantly notices an upturned bucket some feet away from his youngest son, but he’s much more interested in the fact that his youngest son is breaking his other son’s door. That is made of solid wood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s going to break </span>
  <em>
    <span>himself</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Bruce, with no other thought besides stopping Damian, says, “Dick, stop that! Wait, no.” Why is he calling Dick? It’s clearly Damian in front of him. So he tries again. “Jason,” no, that’s not right either, “no, Tim, ugh, Cass, I mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damian</span>
  </em>
  <span>! Stop that!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Damian, who thankfully stops his assault on Tim’s door, glares up at him. “Father! How dare you confuse me with Drake!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce opens his mouth to scold Damian, because breaking down his siblings’ door is not acceptable behaviour, but then Tim’s door opens, revealing the boy himself. “Damian, he literally called </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> name, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> what you focus on?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He called me by </span>
  <em>
    <span>your name</span>
  </em>
  <span>! It’s a disgrace I will not stand on!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He went through </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> name! And I’m not a disgrace!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ha! You admit you are a disgrace!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I literally just said I’m not a disgrace, you little brat. Are you even listening?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce sighs. Tim and Damian arguing is basically an everyday occurrence by now, but the headache it inflicts upon Bruce never stops. Why are his children like this? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Enough!” Bruce shouts. “Damian, breaking down your siblings’ door is</span>
  <em>
    <span> not</span>
  </em>
  <span> acceptable. Jason, stop pranking your little brother,” because Bruce knows enough by now to be sure that the bucket was Tim’s doing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence. Normally a Tim and Damian argument can’t be solved by just a simple admonishment, but Bruce is going to take what miracles the universe decides to give him. Bruce turns to go. He needs coffee, because yesterday night was </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly</span>
  </em>
  <span> an exhausting patrol, and he has work to do today. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That is, until Tim shrieks, “Jason?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh no. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re calling me </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jason</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Tim scoffs. “Unbelievable.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tim, Tim, wait, I’m sorry,” Bruce stammers, but Tim scoffs again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Jason</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I’m done with this. Come on, Damian, let’s leave Bruce to his inability to remember his own children’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>name</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Tim says. Then, he adds, low enough to pretend that he doesn’t want Bruce to hear, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> loud enough so that Bruce can hear it perfectly well, “Batman, my ass. Can’t even remember his children’s name.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For once, I agree with you, Drake.” For someone who is spitting mad at being called Tim just a few minutes ago, Damian follows Tim easily enough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh no, oh no. Those two working together is going to be unstoppable. Bruce shudders to think about what they are going to do to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(He got locked out of the kitchen. And then his room. And then his car. Basically every door he tried to open today is locked. Even the entrance to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cave</span>
  </em>
  <span> is locked, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>made</span>
  </em>
  <span> it. Why are his children like this?) </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s always good whenever all his children are in Gotham, patrolling with him. Provided they are not there because of a massive Arkham breakout or an apocalypse that needed all hands on deck. It’s always good whenever all Bruce’s children are patrolling Gotham with him because they all decided to visit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(He knows it’s the overbearing parent in him, but he likes all of them patrolling Gotham with him because if they are on patrol with him, they are not getting into any trouble he can’t help them out of. Ideally they would not be getting into any trouble at all, but Bruce knows his children. That hope had sailed long ago.) </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Since they are all here tonight, Bruce decides to do one of his semi-regular sweeps of the illegal bars. There are a lot of them tonight-almost all of them, really, except for Black Bat who has her own mission tonight-so Bruce is hoping that this time the message will stick longer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He left this at the very end of the patrol, when the bars are at their most crowded, so that it would hit even more people. Robin is already with him, of course, and he registers the rest of his children gathering next to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not that complicated of a bust, so he feels comfortable just giving instructions on the go. “The patrons are not committing any serious crime, not yet, but they are planning to do so. We’ll stop the planning, but no use of force unless absolutely necessary.” He waits for confirmation from all of them, already pulling his mental map of the bar. “Nightwing, take the left entrance.” Wait. That’s not what Bruce meant. That’s not what Bruce meant at all. “No wait, Robin, no, Black Bat, Red Hood, Batgirl, </span>
  <em>
    <span>whoever you are</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Bruce points at Tim, then clicks his fingers a few times. It doesn’t make that much noise, especially with the gauntlets on, but the gesture itself helped. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Red Robin</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” Finally! His children change their names far too many times, Bruce swears. “Take the left.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s greeted with silence from his children. Then Tim (Red Robin, Bruce’s mind </span>
  <em>
    <span>helpfully</span>
  </em>
  <span> supplied) said, “Wow, B, thanks for that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The statement from Tim seems to unlock the rest of his children’s mouth, because everyone starts talking all at once. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Black Bat’s not even </span>
  <em>
    <span>on</span>
  </em>
  <span> this mission!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, so-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I swear he does this all the time!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“-</span>
  <em>
    <span>who’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>taking the left?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce decides to focus on the actually relevant question (thank you, Dick), and growls out, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Red Robin</span>
  </em>
  <span> is taking the left. Nightwing will come with me and Robin through the front entrance. Batgirl, stay on the back entrance and handle any runners. Hood, take the right.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone seemed to be paying attention, for which Bruce is grateful for, but then, because his children </span>
  <em>
    <span>will never let anything go</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jason said, “Are you sure it’s me who’s taking the right and not Robin?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stephanie looks like she also wants to add something, but Bruce cuts her out before that. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Now positions, everyone.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They move, but it’s only because his children (and Bruce notes this with not a small sense of pride himself) are professionals. Bruce is sure that he will pay for this, with interest, but that can wait until after they finished this bust. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s just him and Dick, tonight. Robin has a test tomorrow, and Bruce knows that Damian is going to ace the test, patrol or no, but the rule has always been and will always be no patrol before a test, so Damian is staying in. The rest of his brood (Bruce has a brood now. He would have laughed had you tell him that a few years ago.) have their own cases, and so Bruce is patrolling with Dick. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It reminds him of days long passed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Robin, fall back and we’ll rendezvous at the docks,” Bruce says to his comms. Dick is a few blocks away, having split with Bruce to check in with someone he saved a couple weeks ago. It’s a quiet night, at any rate, and Bruce just wants to sweep the docks once and go back home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s no answer from the comms. Bruce is starting to panic, because Dick knows better than to not answer his comms. He starts to move towards Dick’s location, while trying to hail Dick again, when Dick, finally, blessedly, answers, “Do you mean me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce is so relieved to hear Dick’s voice that the meaning of his words doesn’t register to him for a minute. Why wouldn’t Dick think Bruce meant him? “Yes, of course I mean you,” Bruce says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“B,” Dick’s voice sounds exasperated, even through the comms, “it’s been well over a decade since I’ve been Robin. There’s been </span>
  <em>
    <span>four</span>
  </em>
  <span> other Robins since me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh. Bruce mentally rewinds the conversation, only to shamefully realize that a, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> call Dick Robin, b, Robin, the </span>
  <em>
    <span>actual</span>
  </em>
  <span> Robin, is currently inside his room, and c, Dick is right. “Sorry, Nightwing.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce hears Dick sighs. “What should I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> with you, B?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Next thing you know, he’ll be calling me </span>
  <em>
    <span>Batgirl</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Oracle. “There’s a mugging two streets over, Batman. You might want to check it out with </span>
  <em>
    <span>Robin</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey! Don’t lump me in with him, O! I know better than that!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s your fault. You’re the one who made him start taking in kids left and right,” Barbara says. “Go high, Nightwing.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I’ll always go high, Oracle.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce is content with letting the two of them banter as he takes down the mugger. He knows these two. They can run their mouth off, but they’ll still do their job perfectly. And besides, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> nice to hear Barbara’s voice. That just makes it feel more like the old days. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce keeps his mouth shut though, partly because he’s still reeling from </span>
  <em>
    <span>calling Dick Robin</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and partly because he cannot trust himself to </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> call Barbara Batgirl. Like he said, tonight reminds him of the old days. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He finishes neutralizing the mugger at the same time as Nightwing emerges in his point of view. He checks the bindings one more time, then looks up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“O, tell me something,” Nigthwing has a huge grin on his face, “you keep recordings of our comms, right?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh no. Dick </span>
  <em>
    <span>wouldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Barbara</span>
  </em>
  <span> wouldn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course, Nightwing. Is there something in particular you need?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then again, it’s Dick and Barbara. Robin and Batgirl. They would. They absolutely would. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I get a recording of tonight’s conversation?” Dick looks Bruce right in the eyes as he says this. “I need to share it with my siblings.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It would be my pleasure,” Barbara says. Even Bruce can hear the smile in her voice, and he knows Dick would hear it even more. He can’t win against the two of them. He hasn’t been able to for </span>
  <em>
    <span>years</span>
  </em>
  <span> now. “Should I send it to Batgirl as well?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, please do,” Dick says. “I can’t wait to see their reaction.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce sighs. Not so much like the old days, after all. At least back then, they didn’t have anyone to share his embarrassing moments with. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Red Robin, what’s your position?” They’ve been trailing this particular shipment for a few weeks now, and Bruce wants to close this case as soon as possible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… I’m standing next to you?” Tim says. Damn it. He’s doing it again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... Red </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hood</span>
  </em>
  <span>, what’s your position?” He can’t be blamed that his children choose very similar sounding code names. Even </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> can’t remember everything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, Jason would beg to differ. “Fuck you, B, if you can’t even tell us apart, I’m not telling you </span>
  <em>
    <span>jackshit</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce sighs. “Hood, please, let’s just finish this now and have the pissing contest later. We need to stop the shipment from getting to the streets.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but only because I don’t want to let the drugs get on the streets. We </span>
  <em>
    <span>will</span>
  </em>
  <span> have the pissing contest later, mark my words.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce starts to feel relief, but it’s apparently too soon, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tim</span>
  </em>
  <span> (dear, dear Tim) says, “What about </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Stop forgetting my name, B.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, little bird, he forgot </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> name, not yours.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He substituted my name for yours! That means he forgot my name too!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Boys,” Bruce feels very strongly the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose, but forces it down because he’s wearing the cowl, “please stop arguing. Let’s, let’s just finish this. Please,” he whispered the last word, unsure whether it’s a plea or a prayer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tim looks at him, and Bruce has the feeling that Jason, from his own perch, is also looking down at him. Tim nods, and then eerily, both he and Jason say, “Fine,” at the same time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce knows that this is not over, not even close, but he’s so relieved that they agreed to shelf this for now. So he says again, making sure he says the right name, “Red Hood, what’s your position?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Up the second rig, Batman,” Jason answers. There’s still an underlying sense of Jason being pissed off, but at least he’s answering Bruce’s questions now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Noted. I’ll drop down on the sellers, and Red Hood, you’ll be coming with me,” Bruce recites the plan. He waits for the confirmation, but it doesn’t come. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span> coming with you?” Why is Tim sounding so confused?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Damn. Damn. Bruce swears. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You messed up our name again, didn’t you? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, B.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce swears again. This is going to be a long night. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Batgirl, three men your way,” Bruce says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>My</span>
  </em>
  <span> way? Are you sure, Batman? I’m inside the vents?” Stephanie says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is getting ridiculous. Why does he keep mixing up his children’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>name</span>
  </em>
  <span>? He doesn’t even have that many of them. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Black Bat, </span>
  </em>
  <span>three men your way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cass looks back at him and gives him a smile that promises pain to everyone that dares to come her way. He knows he doesn’t need to give out warnings to Cass, but he still worries. He watches as Cass delivers perfect takedowns one after the other. It calms him, to know that Cass is much, much better than he is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sense of calm doesn’t last though, because his comms hiss alive again. “Did you just forget that </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span> Batgirl?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce sighs. “No.” That’s the truth, too. He just mixes up the names sometimes. More than once, he wishes that his children aren’t passing down names and taking new ones every other year. It’s getting harder and harder to keep everything straight in his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, is this the thing Red keeps telling me about? You mixing everyone’s names up?” Stephanie sounds absolutely gleeful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Robin. Focus on the mission, please.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cass, who had casually taken down every thug in the area, walks over calmly to Bruce, and says, “You just called her </span>
  <em>
    <span>Robin</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce freezes. Oh no. Now Stephanie’s never going to let this go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you just call me </span>
  <em>
    <span>Robin</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” There it is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, Batgirl.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god, I can’t believe it! Batman, mixing up people’s names! O sent me that recording of you calling Wing Robin, but I thought that’s that! I can’t believe it!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He mixes up Red Robin and Red Hood all the time,” Cass says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t!</span>
  </em>
  <span> B! No wonder Red keeps bitching about it to me!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you in the command room yet, Batgirl?” Bruce swallows down his embarrassment. Focus on the mission. Focus on the mission. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m copying their data as we speak, B-man. How many times have you mixed up the Reds?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce considers lying, but then, Cass is right there. She would bust him right away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Three,” he grits out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Four</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Cass says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Three</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The time with Condiment King doesn’t count.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Condiment King?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Oh this conversation is gold. Please tell me the story, BB.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruce closes his eyes. For the umpeteenth time, he asks himself, why are his children like this? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>check out my tumblr! (huilian.tumblr.com)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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